I lie in bed tossing and turning. The birds chirp outside but the darkness reveals that it’s still too early for my alarm to go off. 4:30am. I still have time but returning to sleep escapes me.
They, the experiences seem to be woven into my fabric. I know this time of year, spring, the months between March to May, is always an uncertain one for me. So many changes, the death of my mom, a break-up, a changing of jobs, a cancer diagnosis, a separation from close friends, happened throughout these months throughout these past years. It’s hard not to feel a revisiting of closing down, protecting myself, when the transition from winter into spring arrives. And it’s not just when life happens, it’s when I do not handle life well either: too little writing, too much alcohol; too little reflection, too much socializing; too little yoga, too much running (a conscious effort to avoid what is eating at me).
I go back and forth between telling myself it is okay to wondering when I will make peace with the continuous fluctuations in life. Change happens. We evolve and others don’t evolve with us or they or we have merely grown in different directions. Trust in ourselves is being able to recognize and accept this then move forward.
As is my nature, I take this out on a run. I am tired of overthinking this when a favorite social media quote pops into my head: Just unf#@% yourself. Life happened, unf#@% yourself and move forward. And here’s some advice on how you can do that:
- Trust the process: When you lose something, the universe decides whether it comes back and in which form. Maybe it comes back better, maybe it comes back so you can reevaluate it and ask whether it was wanted in the first place. You get to decide, just trust the process and unf#@% yourself.
- Make amends when necessary: We are all human, we all mess up. Apologize when you need to apologize. Do not live with the regrets guilt can put onto you. Just say the sorry you owe to the person and unf#@% yourself.
- Shitty things and people happen: Again, we are all human. We are all doing the best we can do with this life we are given. Sometimes, others mess up too depending on where they are in life. Forgive if you can. Adopt a rule, perhaps the three strikes they’re out rule, believe in the goodness of people and unf@% yourself.
- It’s not always cancer: Sometimes it is but sometimes it isn’t. Appreciate when you feel good, make the most of your health and your days. Take care of yourself. Stop dwelling and unf#@% yourself.
- Find a goal and some tools: You’re guaranteed to unf#@% yourself if you’ve got your eye on a prize toward which you are working. Find the tools that will get you there. Travel the world, write the book, run the marathon. Just unf#@% yourself.
- Know when you’ve moved beyond it: The time will arise when even you grow tired of the old stories. They no longer serve you and you have to create room for the new stories. Accept it and realize when you’ve unf#@%ed yourself.